I am not sure whether I miss you or the idea of you. I am sad. I cannot concentrate in class. I am stuck in the same university where me and you had many memories, and I see them everywhere. I know what you all are thinking… “DAMMIT Jess, pick yourself up!! Stop sulking its been 8 months!!” I know but I am hurting every time I think about how much he did not love me it hurts, it burns.
I have my good days- I mean moments when I seem to be okay not content but I don’t feel sadness just emptiness. What if I never get over it? At the beginning of the break up I just wanted another boy someone to use to forget about this boy but now.. The only thing I want is to forget about him, about what we had. But forgetting him means being completely alone. I will wake up alone without anything to ponder over and I am scared of that.
I am also jealous he got into a much better university in his hometown he will be surrounded by family and friends to never feel alone but that won’t be the case for me. That breaks me. He broke me. Prior to him I was willing to go out of state discover things but now I just want to be surrounded my friends and family because I am so lonely.
My friends tell me to get over it. I cannot change the past. Maybe thats what killing me. When I look into the past I see all of the mistakes I made. I see him walking away after telling me he didn’t love me anymore. Why did he walk away so easily???
THAT KILLS ME.
This was my first week back to college, I feel like I must let you know that I am writing this as I lay in bed, tired, lonely and drained. I thought things would be different. What I mean is that last year u had a boyfriend whom I spend so much time on campus and off that I got used to having him around we broke up but the memories are there. Where? Everywhere in the library of the university where I once saw him after the break up and he quickly scattered. Maybe he was too weak to face me… No to selfish. Well this week has been hard for me. It’s barely Thursday and I already consider this week hard. I miss him or no I miss what we had.. I even broke down while driving because I just could not bare the fact that I am completely and utterly alone. I no longer try to look decent. I’ve given up. On guys. On myself. I’m in this kind of funk that seems to be endless.
This is not how it was supposed to be. I promised myself that during school I was gonna get involved. Make the best of it. Who cares if a boy broke my heart? MOVE ON. But we all know things are better said than done. So here I am at 12 am on a school night still writing about this boy. I know he doesn’t deserve my attention, especially considering what he did and the amount of time that has passed since the break up. But I think this unhappiness stems from the fact that I am stuck here with no friends (didn’t bother making any last year since I thought I would always have my lovely boyfriend by my side.) at a university that I quite frankly don’t like. This isn’t where I wanted to be. I came here for him. But this is where I am and I must make the most of it. Hopefully successfully transfer next year. WHO KNOWS.
I don’t know life is hard. My brain tortures. And I am just trying to make it.
You know what else? Well I’ll tell yall later..
There are good days and then there are bad days for me. Today was a bad day, the whole day I could not stop thinking about a certain boy. He was there in the back of my mind at all times. Even when I was with friends, living it up and having fun.
Sometimes I like to think that there is nothing wrong with not forgetting an ex but when it is to the level in which I am in, it seems insane. I have thought about this boy for 7 months straight, since the split.
He is always there, I play scenarios in my head and I replay moments that we shared together. He was my first love and I am afraid he will be my last.. I don’t believe in love anymore. Once a hardcore believer of love, and now I am skeptical of it.
You don’t understand it is easy to say I will move on but then it happens your heart breaks and the days feel like they are frozen. You make no progress in the process of Moving On. God, I believed in him. In love. Now I am afraid of it. I am afraid that anyone who comes close to me will betray me and leave.
I am also annoyed. Annoyed with myself at the fact that I am not even mad at him anymore I am just numb.. I am a box full of memories that go on&on and I wish I could stop them.
I will be going back to school on Tuesday, back to the campus where I spent many good times with him and although I have said that I can do it. Today I broke down in the shower because I will go back to this place without him. I will have to have lunch in the same place in which we did and the difference now is I’m alone. He doesn’t get to go through this torturous event as he transferred schools, but I have to endure it and I don’t know how I will…..
I have always wanted abs, but I eat so unhealthy because I am a teenager my whole existence revolves around eating at a fast food place. But it is time to change that I am soon starting my second year of college on August 15th. I am about to shape my body in the way that I always have wanted it to be. I WANT TO FEEL CONFIDENT.
Growing up, I was always skinny due to a fast metabolism but when I reach 16 I was skinny fat, I had lose skin everywhere and it was all caused by the shit I put in my body. I want to change that but I need a plan. I know that healthiness is not determine by your fat percentage or whether you have abs or not but this is something I want to do.
For the summer, I was with my family the whole time and I am Hispanic so you can only imagine what I was having for dinner when I wasn’t going out to fast food places.
My plan is to go eat healthy things such as:
Supplements (Within reason)
At least 5 times a week
Who knows if this will work? I have tried and made this same promise to myself only to break it, but I am on my own now. Free to do what I want and you bet I will.